The Squirrel Chronicles

I have terrible coping skills. This is entertaining to me, because part of my job is teaching children how to relax.
In times of high stress, my first reaction is to CRY. Crying pisses me off. Mostly because I can never be sure when the crying will finally stop. There are dishes to do, dammit. So I usually leak out a couple tears and then suck it up. Then I try to take deep breaths. In through my nose and out through my mouth. Over and over and over. This never works for more than 5 minutes. I always lose my focus on whatever it is that is stressing me out. I quit the deep breathing and move on to Calming Thoughts. I imagine sandy beaches and ocean waves. This technique NEVER works. My feelings of desperation increase as each subsequent technique fails. If I don't find something soon, I will surely come undone.
Sometimes I try Positive Thinking and try to pump myself up. That makes me feel dumb. I have even tried imagining all the bad feelings such as Fear, Anger and Loss, as small goblin shapes, and I pretend they are coming out of my stomach and running out the front door and out of my life. This is so freaking ridiculous that I generally resort to chocolate, cookies, candy and cake.
The experts say that EMOTIONAL EATING is not the answer.
I say... "Mmpphhmm, muunnhhmmpph, mlluhhppppmmmmm"
Sorry if you couldn't understand me because my mouth was full of Ben and Jerry's.