The Squirrel Chronicles

Jason Mraz, you rock my freaking world.
I have been to small shows before, such as Rusted Root and Pork Tornado, however, a small ACOUSTIC show is just UNBELIEVEABLE. Wow.
The only bad thing is that Geneseo (in the middle of a rural farming community) smells like cow. So did the gym where the show was. So did I when I got home, and I continued to smell like a cow until my morning shower. Even my clothes still reek. (They are in the laundry basket, stinking up all the other clothes)
I don't know how you ladies managed NOT to smell like cow crap 24/7 while you went to school at Geneseo.

blogger is sucking ass again today. Just trying to see if I can access my own damn website through flickr.......

Today my brother Tommy turns 24. I wanted to make sure I posted about it before it turns midnight and it's not his birthday anymore.
Tommy lives in Denmark. He is a toy designer for LEGO. Many people do not know that ALL of Lego's operations are run out of Denmark. Except for the "girl" lego division. The one that makes pink legos is in LA.
Anyway, Tommy moved to Denmark 2 years ago, right out of college. They hired him before he even graduated. That is how fabulously talented he is. How he did this without successfully killing my mother is still a mystery to this day. My mother practically had a heart attack when i went to school 60 miles away. I feel slightly perturbed about this situation as I always wanted to move to hawaii, only I didn't want the guilt of killing my own mother from anxiety.
From what i hear from Tommy, Denmark is boring as hell. And that is why he quit LEGO and is moving home. Also because he misses us and his girlfriend. The most fascinating thing about Denmark is that they have a moving dessert, which blows about the country. Also, I hear they have a fabulous Erotica Museum. But I did NOT hear this from my brother. In fact, he ignored me when i emailed him about it. That means he either frequents the erotica museum and doesn't want me to know, or he knows nothing about it and thinks I'm a nymphomaniac.
So anyway, Happy Birthday Tommmy! It is very late here and WAY past my bedtime so excuse the typos. I will see you saturday night when you return home to the states and we can celebrate American Style. No erotica, thank you verymuch

Juan found a keychain at school with the above phrase printed on it. I looked up Fingerhut on the internet, but it is a shopping website and it does not have the same logo as the keychain. Fingerhut is a very uncomfortable type of name and strongly reminds me of bodily functions and pizza at the same time. It is a bad name for a shopping website.

The Jason Mraz show was rescheduled for tonight! I am so excited!! Juan and I are leaving soon. I will dance and sing the night away and be miserable tomorrow for the little children.

Constantine was kicked off American Idol last night. He was my Nonnie's FAVORITE Idol contestant. I haven't talked to her about it yet, but I am sure she is extremely disappointed. Although I am VERY upset that Anthony and Scott continue on next week, at least I no longer have to feel as if Constantine's eyes are molesting me in my own living room.

The hormone levels are still high. The desire for PURE SUGAR is more than I can handle. If I could melt it in a spoon and inject it into my veins, I SO totally would right now. I decided I was going to attack a bag of Oreos, but that just wasn't enough. I must guiltily admit that I spread generous amounts of marshmallow fluff on each Oreo. I somehow stopped myself at 4. It was a delicious treat. At least they were the reduced fat kind. I was thinking that maybe if I found a finger or a skin flap in a bag of Oreo's, it JUST MIGHT be enough to make me stop eating Oreo's.

Then I thought..."nah!"

Yesterday I wrote a post about farts, and Juan admonished me, as seen in the post titled Afterthought. I deleted the original fart post because I really did feel a little embarrassed about it.
So today I thought I would write about MS. Menstrual Syndrome. Because periods are SO MUCH less embarrassing than farts.

Today I had cramps that could paralyze a bear.

Yesterday I was so hormonal and emotional that I actually CRIED during Anthony Federov's performance. I know, I know. It was certainly NOT worthy of my tears. However, I was already crying from Vonzell and Bo's performances. I was on a roll. And the whole interview with his family was a little too much for me to take. The whole immigrant/american dream angle just pushed me over the edge.
The tears quickly turned to indignation at Scott's family interview Ugh, I just become INCENSED when people imply that they had unhappy up-bringings because they didn't have a lot of toys. And it makes me downright ANGRY when they imply they themselves are "Good Parents" because they are going to do the "Right Thing" and give their own children what they "Did Not Have". Meaning a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and every video game system known to human kind.

That is a quote from a sarah paxton song. Sarah Paxton is supposed to be the new Hilary Duff. Sarah has a show on Saturday mornings called Darcy's Wild Life. It is really terrible, but I watch it anyway, mostly because I don't have cable.
Juan and I took an evening walk around the block. Outside of my house is a long street that spans about 4 or 5 blocks, and the median is planted with rows and rows of magnolia trees. They are so beautiful and look like bunches and bunches of cotton candy when you drive past them at 30 mph. They are beautiful but they make me want to claw my face off because I am allergic to them. They make every orifice of my face itch. Each tree has a circle of red tulips planted around the base. I;m sure it is symbolic for somehting, but that requires critical thought. I do not participate in critical thinking between the hours of 4 pm and 8 am. Here is Juan posing in a magnolia tree. He makes the tree prettier.

Juan: "Some things are private you know!!! You have a hard time understanding that sometimes!"
Me: Maniacal Laughter
Juan: "You're going to blog this too, aren't you?"
Me: taptaptaptap, click Maniacal laughter

My nonnie has been desperately trying to instill in me the "importance of folding."
I am NOT a folder. I am a 'tucker" and a "shover". Meaning if something is sticking out of a drawer, I shove or tuck it back in. But I really have been trying. Juan is also a folder, and I would like to fold his clothes for him someday. Maybe.
So today I tried to fold a fitted sheet all by myself. I was very proud of the way I folded the flat sheet, as seen here. I attempted to fold the fitted sheet for 30 minutes. I spread it out on the floor and crawled around it on my hands and knees. I tucked it under my chin, held corners between my teeth and even attempted to use my toes to pull out the wrinkles.
Just so everyone knows:
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
Unless it is rolled up in a ball, as seen here.

Everyone I know hates email forwards. Me too. Unless they're funny. A friend of mine at work really gets the funniest stuff I have EVER read. Most of it is very irreverent. Today I found this forward to be most appropriate. I will share only some of it with you.

At a computer expo (COMDEX),
Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles
to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued
a press release stating: If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics (and I just
love this part):


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the
road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept
this.

3. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as
easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of
the roads.

4. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before
deploying.

I find this forward most entertaining because I am a MAC user. I LOVE MY MAC and I am not afraid to tell it to the internet world. Admittedly, I do not know how to USE my Mac, but I LOVE IT anyway. It is not because the Mac is complicated, it is just because I am a computer asshole. It has NEVER EVER (not even ONCE) crashed on me. The parts I DO know how to use are SO simple. It is so easy that I no longer know how to use the PC's at my place of work. I especially love my Mac, because Juan is a PC whiz. He fixes computers for friends. What I really love is that he has to fix his own PC on a weekly basis, and he has NEVER EVER had to fix my Mac. Because Mac's rule. Juan won't admit it, and he insists that once we are married, we will have only PC's. Which is SO comical to me, because he obviously doesn't know that once we are married, whatever I say GOES. Each of our children will receive an iBook upon birth, if I have it my way.

Here I am sewing. I sew at my Nonnie's house every Sunday. I am working on a new quilt which is ultra cool, and not at all country or quilt-like. It is very Denyse Schmidt. The sewing machine you see pictured is one my grandma picked up at a garage sale for 10 dollars. It works like a dream. This is the machine I use when I sew at Nonnie's. I do not even DARE to go NEAR her sewing machine, which is a professional sewing machine and goes so fast I could lose all 10 of my fingers in less than 5 seconds. She has used her sewing machine to make everthing imaginable, and it bows to her every whim. It is fascinating to watch her hands because she literally can make fabric do ANYTHING she wants it to. If she commanded it to sprout wings and fly away, I have no doubt in my mind that it WOULD.

WARNING to family members and anyone reading this blog who may even LEAN towards the conservative side. I will discuss alternative lifestyles in this post and do not wish to purposely offend anyone. I will turn off comments if anyone makes a rude or off-color comment. Here we go.

Last night after my clubbing experience with Juan, we started to discuss our wilder days and the places we used to hang out. My FAVORITE place of ALL TIME in college was Club Marcella. Club Marcella is a very special place. It is a drag club. I went there a lot, mostly because everyone there is gay, (and I am obviously a very straight girl) so no disgusting men hit on me. Back to the story. I was explaining to Juan about my favorite drag queens at Club Marcella, and I told him that some of them you could pass on the street and NEVER EVER know that they are men. EVER.
He did not believe me. He thought I was exaggerating.
So I showed him the website, and in particular, this photo:

http://www.clubmarcella.buffalodreamers.com/v.htm
(you may need to copy and paste, because I don't know how to link stuff...)

NOW, BEFORE you go to this link, there needs to be a disclaimer. First of all, you ALREADY know this person is a drag queen. So it is not allowed for you to scrutinize the photo and say 'Oh yeah, that is DEFINITELY a man" No, you are already biased, so that is not a choice. Also, the person in the photo is dressed in DRAG. You must imagine if you saw this girl on the street with normal make up and clothes.
It is important for you to be VERY honest when you tell me what you think.
Juan INSISTS he would know this person was a man, even if he saw her with normal make up and clothes.
I think he is just saying that to vex me.
Comments are open for now. I will close them if anyone is rude about the drag queens. I just want to know if you would EVER know this person is a man if you passed her on the street in normal clothes and makeup.

I really really really hate feet. Especially my feet. But I wanted to prove to everyone that I was REALLY outside of my apartment on a Friday night in high heels. Here are the blisters.
So there.

Today was my friend Alex's 23rd birthday. and guess what he wanted to do. He wanted to go to a club and get loaded and check out hot babes. So we did. I strapped on high heels, put on my strapless bra and a halter top, and we were off to the club. It has been a VERY long time since I have been at a club. So I took a photo to prove that we are not just in somebody's terribly decorated living room. Please note the electric yellow bracelet proving that I am over 21 years old. (as if my lack of exposed abdomen and leg was not enough to prove that I am of legal age) Thank goodness Alex came with 12 other people so I could go home at 11:30 and thankfully remove the bra and shoes.

I think today I will take a stab at film review. As I lack intelligent wit and commentary, this may be a terrible idea.....
Juan and I rented i heart huckabees last night. I had no idea what it was about, and didn't even read the back cover before we rented it. We went simply on amount of hype that the film received when it was in theaters. After watching the movie, I still do not know what the movie was about. This is a BAD sign. I got lost somewhere in the first 5 minutes and have yet to return. The storyline was all about existentialism and coincidence. Or maybe not. I'm not really sure....
The movie strongly reminded me of Being John Malkovich, leaving one feeling disconnected from reality in a very scary way....but without the logic.
Or maybe that's the point.....

Whatever. The movie sucked.

Here is another one of my grandma's quilts. she made this within 2 days, I think. She also made the doll sitting next to the quilt. Not only does my grandma make quilts, but she also makes (by hand) dolls, braided rugs, flower arrangements and 2 foot tall santa figures which are truly something to behold.
I am hungry, time for breakfast.

Here is MegNut thoroughly enjoying the brownie batter. We did not share spoons, just the bowl. and we did not put the spoon back in the bowl once we licked it. THAT would be disgusting.

Megnut came over the other night and we made No Pudge Fudge Brownies and visited. Here I am thoroughly enjoying the brownie batter.

Since I am on vacation, I have nothing to do but blog.
Tonight Anthony Federov sang some god awful song from the seventies. In his mini interview, the tiny liitle white boy said the word "boo-tay"
BOO-TAY
On NATIONAL TV!!!!!!
He said he was "looking forward to shaking his BOO-TAY"
This word should NEVER be uttered out loud, unless one is hanging with VERY close friends at a noisy dance club where nobody else can hear you. Also, it is only a forgivable offense if one is involvd in above stated situation and completely WASTED.
Good god! AND he danced. He danced like the tiny little white boy that he is. He does not have the traditional white man's overbite, but he has something worse. He has smoochy lips. It looks like he's puckering up for a big wet one. Ugh.

On a better note, Anwar, Vonzell and Bo rocked my world. They are getting their votes from me tonight.

lizzyjane, OUT!

Juan is an official Puerto Rican. I don't mean that he has a hispanic background. I mean that he lived in Puerto Rico his whole life until 4 years ago. The way he speaks English, you would NEVER know (except for the accent). He uses big words like "terrestrial" and stuff. Anyway, I am still putzing along with my spanish. Juan's entire family speaks Spanish, so there is pressure on me to learn. I can READ spanish quite well. Juan brought me a Spanish DVD yesterday and I shocked myself by accurately translating the entire narration on the back cover. SPEAKING spanish is a whole different issue. I completely clam up the moment my mouth opens, and the ONLY thing I can think to say is; "Comment ca va?" which is FRENCH for "How are you?" So yesterday I was at Juan's house (and not feeling very well). His mom asked me if I wanted somehting to eat (she ALWAYS wants me to eat..cheese, pears, bananas, tostones, rice, soup, yogurt...ANYTHING!!!) I stopped to think how I would respond to her in Spanish. I carefully plotted out each word in my head, and then proudly told her
"No thank you, my tomatoes are very sick today"

I am getting a cold. I think it is because on Friday one of my student's came to school with germ-ridden phlegm coming out of every hole in his face. His poor sinuses were so blocked that his eyes were tearing, his nose was running AND he was drooling. Poor guy. This was when he was actually feeling better, and had been out of school for 4 days!!! As a result, I have been up EVERY HOUR since 11 pm last night to blow my nose and pee. Ugh. You can all bet that if phlegm starts to come out of all the holes in my face, you WILL see a picture of it on my blog. I am more than willing to share my pain with the world.
Anyway, on to today's post.
I stole this quiz from a blogger called callieissochatty. Hope you don't mind callie!

I fear: heights
I am: happy
I know: I have many people in my life who love me
I have: a cold
I wish: my cold would go away
I hate: runny noses and frequent urination
I miss: Catherine, Christy and Jena living in Rochester
I fear: childbirth
I hear: birds chirping outside the window
I search: for understanding others
I wonder: who will win american idol
I regret: eating a lot of brownies last week
I love: Juan
I'm lucky because: I have juan
I care: about children with disabilities
I always: am cranky when i don't get 9 hours of sleep
I am not: rude to toll booth workers
I dance: to Phish. In the living room. In the dark.
I sing: only in the car. Pretending to be the next American Idol
I do not always: floss my teeth
I should not: worry about my stupid wedding
I am: worried about my stupid wedding
I love: Juan
I write: everyday
I also fear: the unexpected
I win: at Skip Bo
I lose: at slot machines
I confuse: Juan
I listen: to Phish and Jason Mraz and Counting Crows and Trey Anastasio and two new super cool artists named Amos Lee and Kathleen Edwards
I go: to work everyday
I am glad that: it is sunny and 80 degrees today
I am happy about: being on vacation today
I am obsessed with: chocolate and dessert
I should be: resting on the couch with Regis and Kelly
I want: my cold to GO AWAY

That's it!

I was at church yesterday and there was a young family sitting in front of me with 2 kids. The kids brought toys to church with them to keep them occupied (Oh man, the good old days!) These kids had brough Bratz dolls. Ya know, those Barbie-Type dolls that have big heads and WAY trendier clothes than Barbie. Anyway, I was watching them play, and one of the kids lifted up the teeny tiny short skirt of the doll, and to my utter shock and horror, the doll was wearing a THONG.
A THONG.
I don't know about you, but when I grew up, my Barbies had the white painted-on underwear up to her BELLY BUTTON. So as you can imagine, the thong was somewhat of a surprise to me.

Discuss: Is it really NECESSARY to expose 4 year olds to THONG UNDERWEAR??

During lunch the other day at work, my coworkers and I discussed all the silly stuff we did as kids. One thing that came up was "It is impossible to drink an entire gallon of milk an hour." A woman I work with was certain her son could do it, but I wasn't about to believe her until he sat in front of me and SHOWED me. The next topic of conversation was 'It is impossible to eat six saltines in a minute" This intrigued me, as I have never attempted such a feat. I was pretty sure I could do it, and if I couldn't do it, i was POSITIVE Juan could. So here is my initial attempt. This is cracker number TWO at about 35 seconds. Juan couldn't do it either, but I blame it on the fact that i was giggling like a maniac and taking close up shots of his cracker-caked teeth.

When it comes to cleaning, I have an 'I'll take care of it later" approach. I adopt this approach whenever something falls on the floor, spills on the counter, etc etc. As you can imagine, my apartment is not always the most pristine. Don't get me wrong, I am not a complete slob...I mean, i do the dishes everyday and take out the garbage. It's just that my mom wanted me to focus on higher education, and i guess I never learned a lot of the basics of life. These basics include sweeping, scrubbing, and mopping.
Today i said to juan, "let's clean up a little because Megnut might be coming over." So I got out the Clorox wipes and I brushed off the kitchen table and the countertops, and I picked up the living room. No big deal...I turn around and Juan is cleaning the INSIDE of the oven. i said 'Juan! Megnut is NOT going to look INSIDE the oven!" He just shrugged. Then I turned around again, and he was sweeping the kitchen floor, which was fine. But the next time I turned around, he was MOPPING. I said 'Juan, we just need to do a little LIGHT cleaning. It's fine in here!" But he continued on. Then I felt guilty and our conversation went like this:
"Juan, I feel guilty that you are cleaning so much. What can I do to help?"
"well, you can sweep the hallway and the living room"
"I hate to sweep. can I vaccuum instead?"
"No, it's not the same. you need to sweep"
"Why not? Why can't I just vaccum?"
"I don't know. It's just not the same"
"Ok, fine"
I begin to sweep the hallway. Juan says:
"You need to sweep the living room first"
"How come?"
" Because that is the way traffic flows"
"What do you MEAN? "
"I mean the dirt comes in on your feet here in the hallway and then moves into the living room"
"So what? What does that have to do with why I can't sweep the hallway first?"
" I don't know, you just need to do it the other way."
"Well, if you can't give me a good reason, then I am going to sweep the hallway first. i already started"
"Nevermind. Give me the broom"
"Why can't I just VACCUUM???"
"Give me the broom. There are blogs you need to update."
So here I am typing away while juan sweeps the house. If he just let me vaccuum, he needn't be working so hard.

hahaha!
here is the squirrel sitting outside my window after I closed the glass part. He actually climbed back through the hole and got trapped between the screen and the glass, but he just chewed the hole bigger an got himself out. Now he is staring longlingly into my kitchen. I think he is extra mad because Juan got pizza for dinner and put it right in front of the window.

I have a family dentist. My entire family and I have been going to this dentist for at least 25 years. It is a very nice dentist.
His secretarial staff leaves a LITTLE something to be desired.
They call MY cell phone everytime my mom, sister, dad or one of my two brothers has a dental appointment. I have addressed this issue NUMEROUS times with the 19 year old girls who now run the office.
They seem highly confused by the fact that I do not live with the people they are trying to call. I explain to them that I have moved from home and you can reach the rest of my family at their home telephone, and NOT my cell phone. I have even given them my parents telephone number several times.
Today, they called my cell AGAIN to remind my mom and my sister they have a dental appointment on Monday.
In order to impress upon this young lady the COMMON SENSE of above stated repetetive situation, I said
"You have called the wrong number. This is Elizabeth. You are trying to reach my parents house. I DO NOT LIVE THERE ANYMORE. I am all GROWN UP."

I came home late last evening and went directly to bed. When I woke up this morning and went into the kitchen to cut myself a slice of fresh banana bread for breakfast. (I made it Wednesday night)
And this is what I found. A big giant hunk was gone, and the plastic wrap was not pulled back over, so the bread got all dried out. I was so mad at Juan. I thought: "How inconsiderate that he dried out my banana bread, and didn't even use a knife to slice it...that looks like he...used his HANDS?"
I looked around. I noticed that the muffins I had made were on the floor, and they were savagely ripped out of their platic wrap.
Uh huh...things are coming together....
I looked at the counter. A variety of my cooking utensils were strewn about.
Uh HUH!
I thought DAMMIT! Where did this freaking squirrel come from NOW?
I looked at the ceiling. No holes or open spaces that the ravenous little critter could have clawed through....I looked under the sink, but nothing was out of place. I had NO CLUE. It is a mystery squirrel.

I called Juan and told him he had to come over and assess the damage. I showed him the muffin on the floor, the above loaf pan and the countertop.
He immediately went to the window and moved my big plant that sits in front of the screen. Here's what he found.
A giant hole. In my screen. From a squirrel. He now has full access to my home, and apparently comes and goes as he pleases. How nice.

with my hand i my pocket and I'm waitin for my rocket to come........

sigh. Bad news. For our anniversary, I bought Juan tickets to a local Jason Mraz show. But it got cancelled because Jason has a respiratory infection and can;t sing.

I am so bummed.

so in lieu of the concert, we are going to sit on my front porch in the sun and get loaded. Anyone who wants to participate is invited. You will have to bring your own alcohol, because in a year, I will most probaly be paying 85 dollars to wine and dine you at my wedding. And there will be NO FREEBIES until then. On that note, I will be charging a dollar everytime you want to use the bathrrom when you come over on Saturday.
A girl has to be creative when it comes to saving for a wedding.

I dont know why i can't do blogger, but flickr works. So whatever, here is today's post. It is My Living Will. It came from an email....

I, Lizzyjane, being of sound mind and body , do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pas s ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it. If a reasonable amount of time passes and i fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that i won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of americans who AREN"T in a permanent coma. Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they are trying to scrounge for their run for presidency in 2008. It is my wish they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send emails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business too. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make their existence a living hell.
LizzyJane

Even though this sounds funny, I really mean it. If after a year, i don't wake up, just let me DIE! I do NOT wnat to die if I have a high spinal cord injusry and my executive functioning remains intact. I can still live my life that way. But if I am a vegetable, i am not living my life. And I prefer fruit anyway.

This is a photo of the decor. This is an actual DECORATIVE FAN. It is made of WALLPAPER. the same wallpaper that is on the WALL! It is adorned with faux rosebuds and starched lace.
I have not seen one of these since I made one for my grandma in GIRL SCOUTS. I was SIX years old! You can tell by the look on my face that someone MUST tell me where I can purchase my own.
The bathroom is a whole other story. I took pictures of that too, but they just didn't look as horrifying as it really was, so i'm not posting them.
At this point, I became very anxious. The man who was supposed to show us around was late, and we had already traipsed through the entire place taking mocking photographs. I could only imagine the quality of food, and I was horrified at the thought of inviting friends and family to this place, only to assail them with mind-numbing wall paper patterns and asphyxiating odors eminating from all corners of the facility.
When i get anxious and worried, my stomach begins to CHURN. And of course, it did right about when we took this picture. I told Juan we needed to leave. he took my hand and we walked out. This made me more anxious because I was concerned about being rude to the man who was LATE for our appointment and who runs a most heinous banquet hall.
So we got in the car and drove away. And before i could even do anything, my stomach lurched and I did not vomit, but I FARTED. It was a terrible fart. An anxiety provoked fart is the worst kind. Juan just looked at me, HORRIFIED that I hadn;t even tried to hold it in. I started to laugh uncontrollably...big big belly laughs with tears streaming down my face. Then I had to roll down the windows. I will not go into detail why. I'm sure you all have been there and understand.
Juan said "Oh my god, that smells TERRIBLE!"
and as i continued to laugh and hold my stomach, I managed to squeak out "Not...as...bad.......as........Silver....Lakes!!!!""

Although the general ambience was initally horrifying, Juan and I forged forward into the reception area.
Before we even caught sight of the hideous decor, we were both caught off guard by the OVERWHELMING SMELL. The place reeked as if someone had emptied 1000 cans of 99 cent room spray into the air. And not even the NICE air freshener. It was the terrible potpourri kind that makes one feel as if they are choking on dried pinecones and rose petals.
I almost died when is saw this LOVELY silk floral arrangement hiding in a corner. It was dirty and the tulle wrapped around the base was brown from the dust build-up.
I knew that if the air freshener didn't give me an asthma attack within the next 90 seconds, the dust and mold content in the air surely would.

As I am computer illiterate, I can only blog one photo at a time, and I can only do it backwards, so you read them in reverse order. if you haven''t caught on, don't read this one, go to the next post down. That's the beginning.
So anyway, Juan and I walked into this banquet hall...Let's call it Silver Lakes. THIS was what greeted us. An advertisement for a dinner show featuring an ELVIS IMPERSONATOR. If that wasn't a bad sign, surely the enormous wall sized mirror behind the sign, was.

Today juan and I went to visit some places to hold the wedding reception. Here I am dressed up in an attempt to convince sales people that I have money to waste at their establishment.
The jacket is my newest Gap purchase. It is an adorable blazer that originally cost 78 dollars. I got it on sale for SEVENTEEN! That was a triumphant shopping day.

So this is the first installment of the story that happened today...

In addition to all other procrastination techniques previously posted, I just got off the phone with my favorite Aunt JoAnne (Auntie) Here is what Auntie has to say about my blog:

'Anyone who has enough time on their hands to eat brownies all day and complain about Anthony Federov needs to get married and have some kids!"
hehhehe!!!

I swear, I am going to write the report now. As soon as I re-check my email.

I don't have anything exciting to report today. Well, I have a noteworthy story, but it happened at work. And we all know what happens when you blog about work.
Right now I am actively avoiding writing a report. So far I have done 2 sinkfuls of dishes, caught up on my email, and watched Oprah. Now I am blogging and listening to Joss Stone.
Here is another quilt for your viewing pleasure. I think my grandma did this one in 3 or 4 days. She just finished it last week.
I find it reminiscent of the Christmas holidays

I think I have mentioned before that my grandmother is a quilting genius. The woman could make a quilt a day if there wasn't dusting and cooking to do.
Anyway, I am attempting to learn this skill from my grandma. It turns out that I have a lot more determination than natural talent. In the past 2 years I have cranked out 2 and a half quilts, while Nonnie has completed 8 or 9 quilts in the past 3 months. So when i went to her house today for my weekly lesson, I took pictures of some of her most recent, and some of her favorite quilts. I helped her do some of them, and I thought I would post them every week or so. My grandma likes stuff that is very country, and I DON"T. But I still admire her work and talent.
So here is an Amish Quilt she made a few years ago. I didn't help at all on this one. But she hand embroidered the flowers in the center and the corners. She also hand quilts each and every piece. I find this insanely difficult, but she loves it. Good god, the patience....!

...purple and gold!
Spring is FINALLY here. I know because the sun has been shining for 2 straight days. And I have a strange yet undeniable urge to hop in the shower and shave my legs.

No matter how much weight I gain from daily brownie consumption, I can take comfort in the fact that on my wedding day, I could NEVER look as hideous as Camilla Parker Bowles did today.
The day of her ROYAL wedding.
She had a bird-like hat NESTING in her hair! In CHURCH!
It was blasphemous.
The woman is marrying a man richer than GOD, and she hired someone to put FEATHERS in her hair. CAMILLA! Where is your Good English Sense??? You should have hired Colin Cowie to dress you in Vera Wang and NO HAT! He's English! He probably would have done it for free!

Wedding stress has forced me to eat chocolate on a daily basis. Thank goodness for No Pudge Fudge. Here I am eating said brownie. You can tell I am really enjoying it because of the chocolate smeared on my teeth. As you can see, I am wearing my workout clothes. I ate the brownie right before I exercised. That way, it doesn't count. Again, the Big Mac/Diet Coke Theory.

On a crankier note, the garbagemen have not come to my house for 3 weeks. As you can imagine, the trash has been PILING up. Two people even moved out this month, so there is furniture, foodstuffs and old appliances spilling out into the parking lot. The squirrels have left my ceiling and taken up residence in the garbage pile. Hell, they have their own furniture out there. And guess what. The garbage collectors finally decided to show up at the house at 7 AM! On a Saturday! While I am SLEEPING IN!
Complete and total disrespect.

There is a new Coke commercial for the new Lime Coke product. It airs during American Idol. It makes me laugh so freaking hard that my sides hurt the next day and I feel justified to skip my ab workout. They show a scientist with a lime and a Coke bottle, and he touches them together and then he gets this look on his face like "I'm a GENIUS!" All the while, the song is playing in the background:
"You put the lime in the Coke you nut, and drink it all down"
Oh, the comic hysteria.

There is another commercial which also provides me hours of entertainment. I have never actually SEEN the commercial. I only hear it while I am in the bathroom. (Which is most of the time) Anyway, I have no idea what the comercial is for, but it is an endless string of
"Woo-hoo, Woo-hoo-hoo, Woo-hoo, Woo-hoo-hoo, Whoo-hoo,, Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo, Whoo-hoo Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo" Once it is in my head, I will sing it OVER and OVER for hours.
Dear god, it is the ONLY thing I have EVER found that annoys the crap out of Juan.
Oh, the deep, deep satisfaction.

I found the most fabulous brownie mix. It is called No Pudge Fudge Mix. It is sold in the healthy organic section at Wegmans (Southern Polyp, you may have nice weather, but WE have Wegmans!) It is low calorie and fat free. And they are ESPECIALLY delicious of you put half of a Reese's peanutbutter cup in the middle of each one. It's just like ordering a Big Mac and a Diet Coke.

Words simply cannot express my complete and utter disappointment. Anthony Federov did not get kicked off of A.I. tonight. He wasn't even in the bottom three.
I feel so dejected I can't even type in caps.
sigh.
I suppose it's time for more chocolate.

Well, I felt enormously guilty after I wrote last night's post and went to bed. I do not like to make ANYONE feel bad about themselves, even if the DO suck. I would NEVER tell someone I think they suck. I asked myself 'How would Anthony feel if he read my post?" And then I felt terrible because I imagined he would probaby not feel very good.
I need to state that I do not HATE Anthony Federov. I do not even KNOW Anthony Federov. All I know about Anthony Federov is that he pissed me off last night when he thought he could redo a classic song, and turn it into a pop single. He really pissed me off. And he really did suck.

Well, it was only a matter of time before I finally blogged about American Idol. I have been trying to respect the fact that not EVERYONE watches American Idol, although it is beyond my comprehension as to WHY the entire country is NOT watching Amercan Idol. It is the most entertaining show I have watched in years. I must give credit to Juan here, as he is the one who comforts me on a weekly basis when I am reduced to tears by someone's gut-wrenching rendition of The Lion Kings's "Circle of Life."
Anyway, the point of this post is to BITCH. This evening, I was ASSAULTED by Anthony Federov's version of "Climb Every Mountain" from the Sound of Music. It is of utmost importance to state here, that The Sound of Music is my most FAVORITE, most ADORED, most EXALTED musical of ALL TIME. As a child, I WORSHIPPED Julie Andrews in the movie, and I had a crush on Christopher Plummer. I know every word to every song. I know the choreography to the dances, and in fact, dance around my living room when I watch the movie. I sing each song with the characters as if I am a Broadway star performing my last live show. The Sound of Music is PART OF MY SOUL.
When A.I. came on, and Ryan Seacrest announced the Musical Theme, I said to Juan "If I was on American Idol, I would sing a song from Sound of Music. And I hope nobody butchers a song from MY musical." I guess I jinxed myself.
Anthony Federov....YOU SUCK!
You TOTALLY lost it, dude. You LOST IT.
I stood in front of the TV, my mouth wide open, speechless. I turned to Juan several times during the TORTUROUS 2 minute performance, and all I could do was squeak. Here is a teenage boy singing a song originally performed by an EIGHTY YEAR OLD NUN.
ANTHONY! What were you THINKING???
What type of mind altering drug were you experimenting with when you decided this was a good idea??
I am literally BANGING the keys as I type, I am so freaking mad.

I must admit that neither Juan or I have liked Anthony Federov since the time he performed a Jon Secada song in the earlier rounds. Juan was apalled that this tiny little white boy was attempting to impersonate a latin icon. Simon Cowell was TOTALLY right when he described Anthony as 'having as much latin flair as a polar bear". We found that immensely entertaining at my house.
So anyway, I just want to restate the major point of this post:
ANTHONY FEDEROV, YOU SUCK!

I am not the only person who thinks Anthony Federov sucks. Having spoken with Jena this evening, apparently she thinks Anthony federov sucks. So does Payton. and she is only 3 weeks old. ANTHONY FEDEROV-YOU SUCK SO BAD, EVEN A 3 WEEK OLD THINKS YOU SUCK!
Here are the reasons Jena and Payton think Anthony federov sucks:

#1- He is the BIGGEST DORK I have ever seen in my WHOLE LIFE
#2- He has NO fashion sense whatsoever. Absolutely NONE.
#3- He also has NO sex appeal. At all. Stop making pouty faces. They're gross.
#4- He must have a sick cult of GIANT DORKY MUSIC GEEKS who vote for him weekly to keep him in the competition this long.

As Simon put it today, "Anthony, that was horrendous."

Today, at an out of town conference on autism, I ate THE BEST cookie of my entire life.
I am not exaggerating even a little.
I bit into the golden chewy softness of a 4" round sugar cookie, and immediately lost all self control. It was soft and buttery and sweet...the absolute epitome of cookie fabulousness. It was the COOKIE OF ALL COOKIES.
I seriously considered leaving the conference and parking myself in front of the dessert table to fend off potential attacks on the sugar cookie supply.
Had it not been for my very athletic and in-shape co-worker sitting next to me, I'm SURE I would have eaten AT LEAST 10 cookies.
Two had to suffice.

Most of my friends have graduated from college, and have now RETURNED to college for some reason or another. Apparently, ONE university degree is not enough to support a middle class lifestyle these days.
An example of this is my friend Catherine. And since I don't know how to link in text, I will just have to give you her website (for the 50th time). catherinefox.typepad.com
Her post today is a prime example of college stress and the importance of achieving high academic standing. Catherine got an A on her paper. Congratulations Catherine! I'm sure most of her grades are A's, but I understand how important it is to achieve the highest marks.
Even though the last 2 years of OT school got SO hard, and out group motto was "C's get degrees", I still worked my ass off. And I did a damn good job, if I do say so myself. One time I actually got a 100% on a Neurology exam. It is something that I boast about, even to this day. And some of my college friends still make fun of me about it. But I don't care. because an A is an A, and a 100 is a 100, and we will have those grades FOREVER!
But it sucks that I can't write '100% on Neurology Exam" on my resume.

Whom have I exposed to syphilis?
I can safely say, NOBODY.
This is a fun present from my friend Catherine. She brought it to me for being cured of cancer. It is a tin lunch box warning of the dangers of syphilis. Each side of the lunchbox has a different ad on it. My favorite says: "The ENEMY is SYPHILIS! Enlist employees in a campaign against it" and it has a picture of a man in a gas mask, as if he is attempting to protect himself from nuclear warfare.
So today I am grateful for not having cancer OR syphilis.
I think I'll make cookies to celebrate.

One of the radio stations here in town is doing a Shuffle Weekend, and playing Old School pop crap mixed in with your current typical Beyonce and Brittany pop crap. I was barraging myself with Old School weekend during my morning ab workout, when VANILLA ICE blasted into my sweaty world.
Not that long ago my friend Catherine and I attended a Vanilla Ice concert. And by "not that long ago" I mean 3 years ago.
Yes, we went to see Vanilla Ice when he was NO LONGER cool.
Tickets were only 10 dollars, and as pre-teens, we had both been shafted, and had not seen Vanilla Ice Live when he was at the top of his fame and fortune. We also figured that, since the music would most probably BLOW, there would be a lot of white trash to entertain us while we were there. We, in fact attempted to blend into the crowd, and dressed like white trash hookers. I have a distinct memory of Catherine's ample cleavage popping out of a Hooters tank top. I cannot remember what I wore, and it is probably better that way.
The concert was mostly unmemorable. I DO remember that they played the Vanilla Ice song TWICE, and we thought that was extraordinarily amusing. I also remember quite a few male attendees were quite appreciative of Catherine's cleavage.

So that was my morning. It was really nice in comparison to my afternoon, where I searched for hours on the internet for cheap wedding ideas, and found that NO MATTER WHAT, my fiancee and I are being raped by the industry.

So check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.

I changed my blog! It is April, and I am ready for spring. Even though we are supposed to get 10 inches of snow this weekend. Even though it was 55 degrees today, and will be 65 next Tuesday. Two balmy spring days separated by 10 inches of snow.

Wedding stress caused me to eat chocolate in mass quantity this afternoon. Juan refused to remove it from sight because he likes it when I am 20 pounds overweight. So I stopped eating it just to spite him.