The Squirrel Chronicles

I am instituting a special day on my blog. Every Saturday will be Slang Saturday, wherein I will disclose the definition of some bizarre street word. Hopefully I will expand my vocabulary (and yours!). I will keep up this tradition for as long as I can remember to do it.
So here we go, the first word is (and this one is for Kris):

CELLULAR FAUX
(n.) a social phenomenon wherein which a person acts as though he is on his cell phone in order to shield himself from uncomfortable situations.

When Peggy saw the bum approaching, she flipped open her LG and began laughing incessantly as though someone had told a joke on the other end of the line...

(and oh yeah, this is my grandma and her train quilt.)

Today, in an effort to buy a shower gift, I went to the unhappiest place on earth.

Babies-R-Us.

Juan was SO excited and kept picking up tiny hats and ridiculously small pairs of socks. He made cooing sounds at them.
All I could hear were the sounds of mutinous children crying in their carts, and pregnant women complaining of the heat.

In a desperate attempt to separate myself from all the pregnant people, I kept my stomach fiercely sucked in, and repeated loudly to Juan: "WHAT A HORRIBLE PLACE! GLAD I'M NOT PREGNANT!'

Here are my adorable little brothers. They would kill me if they knew they were on the internet. They don't read my website, so it doesn't matter.
While we are on the topic of little boys, today had to take a couple of preschool kids to the school nurse....because they had been EXPOSED TO LICE.
They were fine, but my head has not stopped itching all day.

One of those country music guys has a new twangy song out called 'Live Like You Were Dying" ....or some crap like that.
I listened to the words today, and found that I resent that song and whoever wrote it.

Although I often brush off the fact that I had cancer, you can bet that I feel damn lucky for everyday that I have. I thank God that my type of cancer was the ONLY curable type, and that I am free to live my life with no more radiation treatments or surgeries.
And having that sort of disease really makes you sit back and figure out what is important to you, even if you ARE only 18 years old at the time. And it makes you KEEP thinking about it, even at 25.
That stupid song goes on and on and on about skydiving and riding bulls and doing all sorts of crazy-ass shit. THAT is what' s supposed to make someone feel like they're " living life"?
It's a completely different picture for me. I relish quiet moments with a book, and loud moments at Christmas parties with my friends and their babies. I want to make the perfect macaroon and feed it to Juan. I tell my friends and my family that I love them whenever I hang up the phone. Nothing makes me happier than sending a hand written note to my best friend in Buffalo, California, or Philadelphia. I love to spend Sunday afternoons quilting with my grandma. I cherish children's laughter and smiles, their first words and their tears. I do not bother with learning how to work the remote for the DVD player. I listen to wonderful music and learn how to 'feel infinite". I eat garlic and chocolate everyday because I love them. I always notice the sky and what color it is.
I want a PEACEFUL life. I want to make everyone feel loved and only do the things that make me feel relaxed and content....
and it flat out pisses me off that someone is telling me that "living" means jumping out of planes and climbing mountains.
Sometimes it just means drinking another glass of wine and helping yourself to a 4th macaroon.

My cookies are still disabled. Not sure what that means, but I know FLICKR still kicks ass. Here is a photo of my super hot friends. We are wine tasting in this photo, (I am not pictured). Directly following 2 hours of wine tasting was the "Attempt to Pitch Tents" at the campsite....
Following the Attempt was the Grilling and the Continuation of Drinking.

Anyway, it took Juan the better part of the evening to install my CD changer last night, so we didn't go for ice cream. But I can't wait to see the look on his face today when I take him for a ride and start blasting The Best of PM Dawn with all the windows down.

Screw You Blogger!
Blogger says there's some shit with my cookies and java, and therefore can't post.
Well, if I HAD any cookies, I wouldn't be so pissed right now! (sugar is my tranquilizing drug of choice)
FLICKR will let me post. FLICKR Rocks.
Here is a picture of my poor, poor car. The tire fell off. And the windshield smashed.
And do you see the driver's side mirror? Yeah, that was BRAND NEW. It took Juan two days to paint it and make it shiny and pretty, and attach it to my car.
BUT IT'S OK!
Today I got a 10 disc changer for my new car, and I will be pimpin' it up tonight when I take Juan out for ice cream.
It's gonna be the bombizzle.

Following my complaint to the landlord, they have proceeded to replace both screens in the kichen windows, and cover them with GRATED METAL VENTS to prevent any further break-ins.

From the outside of the house, it now appears as if, under severe PMS conditions, I have lost my mind in a futile search for chocolate. And Juan has locked me up.

Juan HATES to do the dishes. HATES, HATES, HATES it. (He also HATES to do laundry and take out the garbage.) I do the dishes, and Juan cleans the bathroom and mops the floors. So goes the division of labor.
However, in deference to Harry Potter, Juan washed the dishes yesterday while I holed up in the air conditioned bedroom with Chapter 26.
Following my Chapter 26 meltdown (complete with sobbing and running mascara), there was a large crash from the kitchen.
THIS is what caused the crash. This determined little motherF***er chewed through my kitchen screen in hot pursuit of a loaf of bread. He wasn't even scared when Juan and I entered the kitchen.
It took 7 minutes to get it back out of the hole. But not before he spent some time in my dish drainer (with all the clean Juan-washed dishes!) and PEED and POOPED on my kitchen counter.
I didn't make Juan wash the dishes again, poor guy!

It was my original plan to finish Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince last night. I am a little more than halfway through. I am finding it deliciously exciting, and am savoring each page.
But instead of finishing the book, I decided to be spontaneous, and went to a String Cheese concert.

At the show, I was once again, faced with the horrible realities of motherhood and unwanted HAIR GROWTH.
I met a girl who had her one year old child with her.
The mother had CHEST HAIR.

CHEST HAIR!

Clinical Conclusion #2: Babies=CHEST HAIR

No....time...to...blog....
plot...thickening....

(Here is my favorite quilt my nonnie made. The blue fabric is a vintage print, that is just darling. We hand tied it with yellow embroidery floss. That was hard because it is so big.
My grandma is so tiny, and here she is, holding up this giant quilt....)

Must...return...to Harry....Potter.......
Juan is so jealous.

Here I am at 1:15 am.
Please note the half closed, weepy and blood shot eyes.
I was asleep by 1:30, couldn't even read the first chapter!

I am exhausted from all the excitement.
After mexican food, the movie and the Midnight Magic Party, I didn't get home until 1:30 in the morning.
I might as well start at the beginning...
It turns out that 'authentic" mexican food is the most fabulous comfort food on the FACE OF THIS EARTH. As I was shovelling the rice and beans down my throat, I commented to Juan how the Mexicans are geniuses for putting together Rice and Beans. Ya know, to counteract eachother's effects on the Gastrointestinal System. He looked at me haughtily and said "You've been eating Puerto Rican rice and beans for 2 and half years!" He did have a point. It simply never occurred to me until the rice and beans were paired with heavenly tinga con pollo and queso fresco.
ANYWAY, then it was off to the IMAX for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which literally blew me away. The movie was SO good, it was actually difficult to compare to the original. I did not have any emergency bouts of diarrhea during the movie, so I felt quite relieved.
With 3 hours to go before Harry Potter was released, we decided to stop by the bookstore to get our number. We were number 324 in line. So we roamed about and observed the people dressed up like characters. Everyone was dressed up pretty lame. Mostly just black plastic capes and silly round glasses. Now, if someone had dressed up like Hagrid and Fang, THAT would have been picture worthy. I got my picture taken here, inside a promotional placard. They gave me a Polaroid too, which I plan on hanging on my desk at work on Monday. After I had my picture taken, my stomach suddenly lurched, and I looked at Juan with a well known combination of fear and urgency in my eyes. He drove me 10 minutes down the road to my parent's house, where the "authentic' mexican food took it's toll on me.
Guess what? Mexican Rice and Beans do NOT counteract eachother. But Puerto Rican ones do.

I have worked myself into a frenzy of excitement. TODAY is the day I have been waiting for!!!!

FIRST, Juan is going to take me to an "authentic" mexican restaurant for dinner. I am not sure exactly what this means, and neither does he because he is Puerto Rican, not Mexican. (NO, they are NOT the same thing). I suspect that "authentic" means I will be punished by a sudden onset of diarrhea during the
SECOND exciting part of the beginning of my weekend. After dinner, we are going to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at the IMAX. And if I DO get diarrhea from the mexican food, and spend the entirety of the movie in the bathroom, you all will SO know about it tomorrow.
After the movie, Juan is taking me to the Barnes and Noble Book Release Party for HARRY POTTER! It is the only night of the year that I will stay up until midnight. (New Year's Eve's got NUTHIN on Harry Potter). I do not plan to dress like any of the characters from the book. I do, however, plan on taking photos of myself with anyone dressed like a character from the book.
After I get that book in my hot little hands, I will be faced with a difficult decision. Do I:
1) Read the book slowly, savoring each exciting and delectable moment
or
2) Rip through the sucker in 12 hours and wait another 2 years for the final book?

Here is my new old lady car.
It is a 1999 Mercury Sable. That means it looks just like a 1999 Ford Taurus. Except it is tan, like an old lady car.
I bought it because it only has 30,000 miles on it. When you do the math, that works out to 5,000 miles a year. AND there is not ONE speck of rust on it. That means the old lady only drove the car to church on sundays, and only in the summer.
PLUS it is super pimped out. You can see the moon/sun roof here. And it is leather and all electric inside.
So it is not cute or sporty like I wanted, but it is dependable and has a huge trunk, so I can stuff extra passengers back there on long car trips.
Road Trip anyone? I call shotgun.

Today I got my new (to me) car!
Even though the insurance company has dragged it's feet for 13 RIDICULOUS days, and I STILL haven't gotten the check for the totalled car, I got my new (to me) car today.
They are lucky that I am independently wealthy and could put a down payment by myself. (READ: I promised Juan I would put the money back into the wedding fund as soon as I get the check.)

I will post pictures soon. We are taking her out for ice cream to break in the leather seats with chocolate jimmies and melted pools of sugar.

Hypothesis: Carrying and bearing children causes bizarre and freakish occurrences within the female body. These may include: changes in nipple size, shape and color. Also chemical imbalances in the brain causing DEPRESSION. Sleep deprivation results in irritiability and general demonic possession of one's soul.

Experiment: Observations of people I knew before AND after pregnancy.

Results: After seeing one of Juan's relatives who just had a baby, I observed: A BEARD.
(On the mom, not the baby.)

Conclusion: Babies=Beards.

No Thanks.

Today at an Arts Festival, I saw a man wearing a tshirt that said: "Wanna Taste My Nuts?"
I was relieved when he entered the roasted cinnamon almonds booth.
I was so sad I didn't have my camera.

I also read an article that said there are websites where you can buy tshirts that say:

"Save Katie'
and
"Feed Lindsay"

If anyone knows where these websites are, please tell me immediately. I will dip into my wedding fund to buy one of each.

Subsequent to an airbag blowing up in my face, I received a set of lovely abrasions to both of my forearms.
They are healing over now, and are turning red and itchy.
As Juan and I were walking up and down the aisles of the grocery store today, I was furiously scratching at the angry red marks.
Juan looked at me and said:
'Stop doing that! You look like a junkie!"

I am simply TORMENTED by the entire Tom Cruise media upheaval. I KNOW, I KNOW, it is old, old news. It's just that I can't get it out of my head.
God, he is such a DUMBASS!
Assuming that he knows the "history of psychology", and that chemical imbalances and post partum depresison DON'T EXIST.
First of all, I seriously wonder where he got his information from.
I know you didn't READ it, Mr. Cruise.

YOU"RE DYSLEXIC!

Secondly, to quote Mama-Nut,

"No uterus?... NO OPINION!"

Today as we are test driving a Mazda with an automatic transmission that can switch into standard for extra power:

Me: I don't understand why the car comes equipped with both a standard and automatic transmission.

Juan: "Well, you see, (insert technical jargon here), and if you just move the transmission into this gear, then the car will (insert more technical jargon here). It really gives the driver a better advantage when (insert technical driving term here). And you see, if I move the transmission into THIS gear, then (insert yet another nonsensical technical term here)."

Me: Blink.

Blink

"HEY!!!!!! The coin holders are lined with a fuzzy material!"

Juan: "Hey! Yeah! That's cool!"

Why is it labeled "car SHOPPING"?

Looking for a car is about as enjoyable as a sharing a whirlpool with old naked ladies.

SHOPPING is a fun and exhilirating experience, meant to be repeated on at least a weekly basis.
Similar to eating ice cream and drinking wine. (not at the same time)

July 4th weekend is a bad time to total your car. It is impossible to talk to insurance companies, doctors and car salesmen. They are all at home with their ice cream and wine.

Anyway, I am currently looking at Mazda 3's and Toyota Matrix's.

Any tidbits of information for me?

Yesterday Juan said "What can we do that's fun?"
I replied: "Let's go test drive cars we can't afford."

JINX!

Today I was in an accident and my car was TOTALLED.
It was SO not my fault.
Both of the air bags deployed, I was trapped inside the car because the driver's side door wouldn' t open, and the front driver's side tire FELL OFF.
I suppose it would somehow be illegal to post all the details, and I will jinx myself again. But I am OK. Even though they took me to the hospital strapped onto a back board and a neck collar and the whole nine yards.
No broke bones, no cuts or bleeding. I have some nasty-ass bruising and burns from the air bag though.
(on my arms, not my ass) The other person was OK too.
I was mostly SO grateful that I cleaned my car the week before. Otherwise the firegfighters wouldn't have been able to climb through all my SHIT to get me out.
It was also a REALLY good excuse to eat an entire Milky Way when I got home. I haven't done that since 9th grade. It was SO GOOD.
So I suppose once the insurance auditors get a look at my car, I will be off to find a new one. :(
I will post details when I'm sure it's not illegal and won't get me in trouble.